NOTE: While some events happen much later, the song itself was released in 1977.
My memories of certain time periods are so sharp. Maybe it’s selective — as you age, your brain saves the memorable stuff and clears your mental cache of the irrelevant.
As the youngest of four kids, I didn’t always have a spot at the table, a voice in the conversation. So I became a really good observer, making mental notes, remembering dates and places and events. I was a journalist, a storyteller for my own world, even at a young age.
What I don’t have in that big memory box is anything about faith, about church, about religion.
There are quick flashes of memory here and there. The old ladies at the end of the street who held summer Bible study. They read verses to us that had been printed on small flash cards and, if you sat through the entire session, you got a Orange Push-Up pop.
There was the Christmas Pilgrimage through the center of town, the summer carnival on the sweeping grounds of the local Catholic church.
My sister’s wedding was my first time inside that church, and it felt like it was as big as St. Peter’s Basilica.
We weren’t exactly barefoot heathens running around our neighborhood, though some of my mother’s neighborhood adversaries might argue otherwise.
I wasn’t a stranger to God or to the teachings of Christianity. Beyond the Sunday School ladies, my mother was the main teacher. We spent hours talking about any number of things, situations where she’d walk me through moral reasoning, with her Bible as a reference.
But getting us together and going to church was not going to happen. She had doubts about the church experience, and told me several times that, at least in her experience, it was filled with people who loved you on Sunday and would turn their backs on you during the rest of the week.
And my father. Getting my father there would have taken a papal decree. Remember Mad Men? That was his professional life at the time. That big, giant mainframe computer that drives one of the copywriters crazy? He was one of the guys who fixed those big behemoths, and he was essentially on call 24/7. Church was almost always a no-go. Literally.
When I was 13, we had new neighbors for a year who were profoundly evangelical. I followed their son to a summer church camp. I have no memories of their teachings. What I do remember was a relentless admonishment from all the adults to bring in new members. It was everything.
They made it a contest. Bring in five new members, they said, and you’ll get a train set! I may have been a shoeless heathen, but something in me decided that the whole deal didn’t sit well with me, and I stopped going.
The more serious schism for me was the acknowledgement of who I was, and of my life as a gay man. In the 1980s, when I came of age, few mainstream Christian religions had an open door policy for LGBT congregants. Some individual congregations were advocating for that change in big urban areas, but those spaces were few and far between.
And if there was a church that put a welcome mat out, there was often an asterisk beside that Welcome: We love the sinner, but hate the sin. We’ll help you change.
For most of the next two decades, the schism remained.
I had spiritual curiosity, and occasionally, something would transpire to shake off that hunger.
When I lived near Cleveland with my friend Jay, we went to a study group. The leader was a handsome, athletic young minister who could have been a ROTC leader.
He was the first person to suggest aloud in my presence what I had always believed in my heart: that I was a child of God, loved as any other. He spoke about other ways people had interpreted some Bible passages.
In the 1990s, during an earlier stay in Chicago, I explored alternative spirituality with several friends. They commented on the centering presence I brought to meditation and prayer sessions.
But still, faith felt like a dinner to which I hadn’t been invited — and for which I was woefully underdressed.
Music was often a sort of spiritual grace for me, and in the absence of something more defined, I’d throw my earphones on and take a walk, trying to puzzle together the mysteries of other people, the mysteries of the world.
In a library that has songs from every decade of the 20th century, I had some of the 70s pop songs I loved as a kid.
From “Godspell,” there was Day by Day, the song my babysitter sang to me. I had The Carpenters in that mix.
And, of course, ABBA.
The ABBA revival started in the mid-1990s and reached a peak with the emergence of ABBA music in the movies Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and Muriel’s Wedding. (You’re terrible, Muriel.)
Their music was still on my iPod over a decade later, in 2005. Music often elicits an emotional reaction from me, but that year, I had an experience that was very unusual, even for me.
I was listening to Name of the Game, a mid-tempo song that’s written as a love song, or at least the song of someone tentatively reaching out to love.
Something aligned, in the music, in the lyrics, in the things that had been in my head and heart. I don’t know why, or how, but suddenly, the lyrics seemed to suggest another meaning, one that spoke to the questions about faith, about God, and about life that I still had.
After all, I was an impossible case….
It seems to me, for every time // I’m getting more open hearted
Was I talking to God? What the devil was happening?
What’s the name of the game? Can you feel it the way I do?
Tell me please, ’cause I have to know // I’m a bashful child, beginning to grow
At this point, I was doubting my sanity. And then the chorus kicked in again, and every single hair on my neck and back stood up on edge.
And make me talk, and make me feel, and make me show, what I’m trying to conceal
I was a few hundred feet from home, my face wet with tears, convinced I was having a mental breakdown.
Then I exhaled, and thought, maybe it’s time to start asking more questions.
That day was the start of a slow walk back to spirituality. I was wary of what was ahead for a gay man (and a shoeless heathen at that), so my journey was step by step.
I wrote an article about faith and LGBT people, and made a listing of all the open and affirming spaces in town.
I took a class that taught me about all the world’s religions, and learned that questions aren’t at all a bad thing; questioning is, in fact, the cornerstones of many religions.
I drew on a number of friends who had deep, rich lives in their churches, including several people who, in mid-career, had decided to become ministers.
Two years ago, I became a member of a church.
I’m proud to be a member, but you’ll forgive me if I end my descriptions there. I agree with James Baldwin that my faith and my beliefs are in an envelope marked Personal, and I’ll keep them that way.
I’m still figuring it out, but I think that’s rather the point, that we don’t have all the answers. Faith is about many things, and it’s about belief, but at its heart, it is also our map out of darkness, an attempt to make sense of the world around us.
Some study books and scrolls. Some sing hymns. And some play Swedish pop music.